Shocked ....

Hey there little man ,
         I hope you are doing well . I just have to write to you even though I know you can't read yet ,but you will be able to one day and hopefully you will find this . Your dad sent me a message . so here it is .

I'm not trying to get into a big argument or back in forth bickering. Do you know how I can get in contact with Brandi? I have some legal matters we need to get figured out. I've messaged her on here and haven't gotten anything back. .

       It took a few days before it actually hit me that it was a recent message from him and not the old ones where he told me I could not see you anymore , but none the less he reached out to me to find your mom . I did all I could . I called all the numbers I had and I sent messages to who I thought may be able to reach her that's all I could do .I mean , about that . I believe I might of made her upset with me . You see I wrote her a letter about how I felt and what I went through when she and your aunt B were small and how I did all I could do to do  the right thing for them when they were little like you are now .  I think she may of taken it the wrong way. You see I know how it feels to not have your children with you . When others continuously try to keep them away from you .  I had to fight to be in their life because others felt like I was not good enough to be their mom . I knew one day they would be with me  ,but that distance that was created by those other people created such a huge distance between me and them . I feel that distance deep in my heart for them then and you  now . All these feelings of hurt and and all that anger just keeps bubbling up inside me . It haunts me .I know I will never be able to get that back ,all of those precious moments from where they were so young all of those things I was forced to miss.  I know it wont do anyone any good to stay hurt and sad and angry .I know that .  I know I need to accept that you are gone from my life , but it is so hard thinking I may never get to see you or hold you again . Knowing that you are out there somewhere .  And I can't help but be sad . Even in the best case scenario if your mom and dad could fix whats broken and I do finally get to be in your life again . (I would be the Meme ever ! ) I feel I would still be sad because so much time has passed and you don't even know who I am anymore . I would just be some old woman to you . You would not  be able to remember riding on papa Johns tractor ,or riding your tricycle in the yard ,or playing in the huge pile of leaves in the fall . All the games we would play together when you knew who we were . That makes me sad . I love you much . I just thought you should know . 

I don't really know how to react to it but I took a deep breath and replied ...    

    I don't know Joe . And so you know I would not get into a argument with you .You are the father to me grandson whom I love dearly but can not see. I am tired hurting from all of this . I hope that one day we can move on from this and we can be a family again .I love you too Joe because you are the father of my grandson . I sent her a copy of your message on messenger that's all I can do . I hope you are both well . Peace