Finding Peace

My Dearest Damian ,
   
                              Love is what we are born with , Fear is what we learn .

   I have tried to reach out so any times and I continue to this day . I back to the Family Dollar and gave Regina your other Grandmother a letter for your father to read now , whether he gets it is another story . I don't quite understand nor do I  know what their fear is of me , other than I am different . I say fear here because they are either intimidated of me ( why when Regina seen me for the first time since she took you from me  she could not or would not look me in the face ) that is s sign of guilt or shame . I am a strong woman who has done and continues to do the best I can with this life . I admit I was a very protective and assertive person in my youth . That was the role I was put into at a very early age by my mother . It was my job to protect her when she should of been protecting me . That was how I was trained . I have realized throughout  time that , that was wrong of her . I was a protector and I feel as if I did not protect you because you are know gone .

You see, Damian my mother did not teach me how to be a mother she taught me how to be hard and selfish , cold . I am paying for something I had no control over . I didn't know that ,that was not how it should of been until I was grown and she was gone . So ,I am saddened and at times filled with regret and resentment . You see she kept me away from all but her side of the family , so I did not know who they were . I didn't get a chance to know them and when I was old enough to find out and spend time with them I was a STRANGER and I still am . I am an outcast in my own family because of it . Your great grandparents Gene and Charles did the same to your mom , they kept us apart , I did everything I could see them and be close to them but there is always a distance created between when Ones can not be together to grow and learn . Your great grandfather Charles was  a good man and he stood by what ever his wife did because that was how he was raised ,and it was not until he had pasted did Gene reach out to me and released Brandi from her grasp for a short time but to this day , with you as the pawn she hurts your mother all over again .They keep Brandi in a state undo stress and in a constant fit of anguish . Almost to the breaking point to where the best I can figure she is angry and sad and missing you dearly . I figure every time she gets a bit ahead of the situation she gets knocked back down again ,and sometimes it is hard to find the strength and courage to get back up .  I say this because that is what I was going through when they were being kept from me , my daughters . My flesh and blood . Your great grandparents made me feel like your mom and aunt Brittany were better off with out me and for a short while I believed them .
                                                                                                             

                     I eventually came to my senses and realized              

                                       that was not true .
                                         Fear is strong.                                          

I am trying to this day to recover from the damage brought on by the one who was supposed to protect me and keep me safe from harm , but all she did was use me in some sort of power play to hurt others  for her own selfish needs and instead in long run of things she inevitably hurt me . Here I am 44 years old and I am a mess . I do not want that for you . And I am sorry if that is the case at hand . You see my darling we all have our own  truth . Your mom , she at this moment is trying to do all she can to get back to you .To repair the damage and bridge that gap between you created by your father . She has her own demons she fights everyday . She was kept from me and was told horrible lies about me just so Gene could have a false connection to her . Have that power over your mom . And know your mom is being kept away from you by those who are doing the same to you . Horrible Demons . Know I am not calling your dad and Regina a demon but , I can not for the life of me understand how they think keeping the two of you apart is a good thing . Your great grandmother Gene is doing the same thing to your mom the she did to me .She knew about the court dates coming and all the while communicating with your mom failed to tell her about them , so your mom did not come to them . I don't understand why she wanted to hurt your mom and in doing so she hurts you . And that hurts me .There is way to much hurting going on .

 

                                  To get what you want ,
                 You must first let go of what you don't want .

I want Peace of mind and spirit. So what does that mean for me .
                                         I will not let go !
But , I must find away to let this go . All of the pain from loss and fear from then known and unknown , the what if's , and should of's and could of's . All of the anger and sadness . All of the self doubts and uncertainties . I have to trust that you are well . And Safe . That you are happy even in knowing that one day you will be sad and confused and hurt by things that you will learn in the future . I can only hope that what ever this is between your parents gets resolved while you are still young enough to forget the distance that has been created by those who are raising you now , so you wont be unhappy as an adult . Your parents are young and when we are young we do stupid and thoughtless things and we hurt the ones we love because that is what is taught to us by the ones caring for us when we are small . We learn by example . When we become grown we learn the difference from what we were taught and what is right in some cases  we try to do better and in some cases . Well, ignorance does not always bring bliss . Some people don't change and they continue their tyrannical reign over others with the continue to  do harm . Eventually this will end but only when we are able to stand up and walk away from it . Your mom did not step away from you . She stepped away from Regina and Gene and Joe ,and you are being used as a weapon against her to hurt her .                                            
                                                         She loves you . We love you .

             

              Not a day goes by
     without you in my thoughts .
           
     With Perfect Love ,
              and Perfect Trust .
  Let others do what they must .
  May my words keep you safe        from harm .
       

                                                                  Always Your Meme ,
                                                                              Billie Jo

                                                                 P.S. Your Aunt Cherokee says Hello