I love you .

Finding Peace

My Dearest Damian ,
   
                              Love is what we are born with , Fear is what we learn .

   I have tried to reach out so any times and I continue to this day . I back to the Family Dollar and gave Regina your other Grandmother a letter for your father to read now , whether he gets it is another story . I don't quite understand nor do I  know what their fear is of me , other than I am different . I say fear here because they are either intimidated of me ( why when Regina seen me for the first time since she took you from me  she could not or would not look me in the face ) that is s sign of guilt or shame . I am a strong woman who has done and continues to do the best I can with this life . I admit I was a very protective and assertive person in my youth . That was the role I was put into at a very early age by my mother . It was my job to protect her when she should of been protecting me . That was how I was trained . I have realized throughout  time that , that was wrong of her . I was a protector and I feel as if I did not protect you because you are know gone .

You see, Damian my mother did not teach me how to be a mother she taught me how to be hard and selfish , cold . I am paying for something I had no control over . I didn't know that ,that was not how it should of been until I was grown and she was gone . So ,I am saddened and at times filled with regret and resentment . You see she kept me away from all but her side of the family , so I did not know who they were . I didn't get a chance to know them and when I was old enough to find out and spend time with them I was a STRANGER and I still am . I am an outcast in my own family because of it . Your great grandparents Gene and Charles did the same to your mom , they kept us apart , I did everything I could see them and be close to them but there is always a distance created between when Ones can not be together to grow and learn . Your great grandfather Charles was  a good man and he stood by what ever his wife did because that was how he was raised ,and it was not until he had pasted did Gene reach out to me and released Brandi from her grasp for a short time but to this day , with you as the pawn she hurts your mother all over again .They keep Brandi in a state undo stress and in a constant fit of anguish . Almost to the breaking point to where the best I can figure she is angry and sad and missing you dearly . I figure every time she gets a bit ahead of the situation she gets knocked back down again ,and sometimes it is hard to find the strength and courage to get back up .  I say this because that is what I was going through when they were being kept from me , my daughters . My flesh and blood . Your great grandparents made me feel like your mom and aunt Brittany were better off with out me and for a short while I believed them .
                                                                                                             

                     I eventually came to my senses and realized              

                                       that was not true .
                                         Fear is strong.                                          

I am trying to this day to recover from the damage brought on by the one who was supposed to protect me and keep me safe from harm , but all she did was use me in some sort of power play to hurt others  for her own selfish needs and instead in long run of things she inevitably hurt me . Here I am 44 years old and I am a mess . I do not want that for you . And I am sorry if that is the case at hand . You see my darling we all have our own  truth . Your mom , she at this moment is trying to do all she can to get back to you .To repair the damage and bridge that gap between you created by your father . She has her own demons she fights everyday . She was kept from me and was told horrible lies about me just so Gene could have a false connection to her . Have that power over your mom . And know your mom is being kept away from you by those who are doing the same to you . Horrible Demons . Know I am not calling your dad and Regina a demon but , I can not for the life of me understand how they think keeping the two of you apart is a good thing . Your great grandmother Gene is doing the same thing to your mom the she did to me .She knew about the court dates coming and all the while communicating with your mom failed to tell her about them , so your mom did not come to them . I don't understand why she wanted to hurt your mom and in doing so she hurts you . And that hurts me .There is way to much hurting going on .

 

                                  To get what you want ,
                 You must first let go of what you don't want .

I want Peace of mind and spirit. So what does that mean for me .
                                         I will not let go !
But , I must find away to let this go . All of the pain from loss and fear from then known and unknown , the what if's , and should of's and could of's . All of the anger and sadness . All of the self doubts and uncertainties . I have to trust that you are well . And Safe . That you are happy even in knowing that one day you will be sad and confused and hurt by things that you will learn in the future . I can only hope that what ever this is between your parents gets resolved while you are still young enough to forget the distance that has been created by those who are raising you now , so you wont be unhappy as an adult . Your parents are young and when we are young we do stupid and thoughtless things and we hurt the ones we love because that is what is taught to us by the ones caring for us when we are small . We learn by example . When we become grown we learn the difference from what we were taught and what is right in some cases  we try to do better and in some cases . Well, ignorance does not always bring bliss . Some people don't change and they continue their tyrannical reign over others with the continue to  do harm . Eventually this will end but only when we are able to stand up and walk away from it . Your mom did not step away from you . She stepped away from Regina and Gene and Joe ,and you are being used as a weapon against her to hurt her .                                            
                                                         She loves you . We love you .

             

              Not a day goes by
     without you in my thoughts .
           
     With Perfect Love ,
              and Perfect Trust .
  Let others do what they must .
  May my words keep you safe        from harm .
       

                                                                  Always Your Meme ,
                                                                              Billie Jo

                                                                 P.S. Your Aunt Cherokee says Hello

Your other Grandmother ,

                                                                                                           Saturday , March 19, 2016

                                                                                 

This is the last time I stayed with us
before they came and took you away .
WE Love you little man !!!!

 I was going to see one of  my best friends Julie.  On the way I decided to check out the  new Family Dollar in the neighborhood just to waste some time ,because I didn't need to be  at Julie's house until noon . So , I go in to the store and walk up and down each isle to see what kind of things they have in this new store . I find some really cute little mushrooms and  I thought they would look great in my potted plants and as I walk up to the the counter to pay I noticed the cashier. Well , all I really seen in that point in time was the right side of her head and as the customer in front of me stepped away , I seen her face . It was your Grandmother Regina ! The last time I seen you she and your Aunt KayKay had came to my house to pick you up  . I thought that was strange because your Daddy was the one that was suppose to come to pick you up . You were happy to see them at first but that soon changed when you realized you were going to go with them , you started to cry and you didn't stop . You did not want go to her and I had to put you in the car the whole time you were crying and my heart was breaking , ( If I would of known that we would not be able to be a part of your life I would not of let you go ) but , your mommy had brought you back so you could spend time with your daddy before he was suppose to start  his training in the National Guard ( If that is even true I do not know ?) . Regina said that you would be back to visit . But, little did I know that was going to be the last time I would Hold you in my arms . The  days that past into weeks and then months and now years have gone by and I am haunted by a grandson that I can not see .
 
   I like to think of myself as a strong person but it has truly gotten so hard to not be sad , and angry  since I seen Regina again . We ( your mom and I have tried to locate them and you for 5 years now ) and I walked into a store and there she was  the woman who took you from me . But to the story . I walked up to the counter and as she looked at me all the color in her face washed from flesh and she was pale as a ghost . I smile and I said "Well, Hello Regina .'' and all she could reply was '' Oh , My."and looked down at the counter and from that moment on she didn't look up again .I than with a smile forced upon my face said " I would like to see my grandson ." while still looking down she says "Joe ! Will not have it !" I than said " Well, I do not know why ?" she put my mushrooms in a bag handed me my change (while mind you still not looking up ) I took my receipt and started to crumbled it and than I said " Have a nice day ." and continued to walked away .

When I got to the car I immediately called your mom and told her about the encounter I just had . Your mom was so excited to the fact that I had found your other Grandmother and in return some how I found a link back to you .    I truly do not know what to do Baby boy . I have no legal rights to see you . It is between you Daddy and Your Mommy and until they get this taking care of my heart will continue to break . I struggle with the thought that you too are going to be hurt by all of this because they can not act like grown ups and do what is right by you .  Your daddy keeping you away from those of us who love you and want to teach you about your those in our family that has pasted on before you arrived or shortly there after , like your Great NaNa who pasted from Cancer the year you were born . She was strong and had gone through her own difficulties in her life  and I believe if she was still alive today this would not be happening  . Or , your great great Grandpop  who was a writer and a poet that also pasted from Cancer . He was so proud when he got hold you in his arms . These things are going to cause anger and resentment towards those who have kept you apart from those of us who are also your family .

 I don't know what to to . You are the last thing I think about at night when I sleep and you are the first thing I think of when ever I open my eyes . It is a viscous cycle , that I wish I could stop  , but I can not because I miss you so much . I can not even write to you everyday like I said I would because  I get so sad .  I try to be strong but this hurt is a true hurt . I went through this pain before with your Mom and Aunt with their other Grandmother your Great grandma Gene . She kept them from me just as they are keeping you from us . Remember Dear boy there are more sides to every story His - Hers- Mine - Theirs and the Truth . My truth is here in these letters to you . They are my feelings experiences and no one else's .  I hope , No . I wait for the day to spend with  you again .


                                                                                Love Always Your
                                                                                                       Meme,
                                                                 

                 

Love Always and Forever
Meme

Damian ?

  I was in the Randleman Dollar tree yesterday buying some things for this and that just as happy as I could be and I noticed these people that came in . There was a young lady with brown hair in a pony tail  in sweat pants kind of scruffy looking and then I noticed an old man with with white hair  he had to be in his 60s or even 70s and then I noticed a little boy . He had Brown hair and was wearing a gray sweat shirt like jacket . Hmm.... strange what one remembers . Any way I was looking shopping for what I was shopping for and we would all pass each other from isle to isle  . I remember the little boy every time I looked at him I would wonder( Would  Damian be that tall now) the little boy  looked so sad , like he didn't even want to be there or like he couldn't have what he wanted . Than I heard it "Damian put that down."" No, Damian ." I walked around the isle looking Damian . I had to act like I wasn't wondering if that was my Grandson . I looked closer to the people that the little boy was with . I didn't know who were . They didn't look familiar to me . Surely that wasn't my Damian .!? My Damian had blonde hair when I seen him years ago . But, hair color changes , I had so many thing going through my mind in that split second that I was trying to remember every little thing I could about you when I seen you last . Could you of changed? Was that you ? Or was that just a sad little boy named Damian ?  I felt confused and lost because here I was standing in the Dollar tree in my town and there was a little named Damian , and I couldn't tell if it was you or not . And here I am still haunted by the fact that I wont know if it was . Now , I can drive myself mad wondering was it or wasn't it . Or , I can just say that he was just a sad little boy that shares the same name as my Grandson . 

                                            I love you  Damian  where ever you are  ,
                                                                                            Always , Meme 

                                                                                            BillieJo Craig

October

     Well my little man it is that time of the Season again where  a chill hits the air and soon the little goblins and spooks come out to play. It is my favorite time of year but also the saddest due to the fact that I can not see you . It seems like the whole neighborhood has grandchildren running around and I find that I a bitter for the fact that we can not be a part of each others lives .  All I have are memories.
 So I will share of with you .I am sure you have seen these already ,but seeing how we have not seen You I don't have any others.  
                 

 I still rake up all the leaves from in the yard . Last year your Aunt Cherokee and one of her friends played in them . I too go out and jump in the pile an occasion . I like to run through them and just make a big old leafy yard mess . It has been known to look worse after the leaves are played in then it does before we rake and blow them in to the pile .

 You and your Mommy this is the last Halloween that we got to pend with you . You were a red Power Ranger in a hunters cap . Lol . If I recall correctly you were also cranky from lack of a nap or was it because you woke up from a nap . Either was you were a bit cranky . But , my boy even when you were cranky you were still a sweet boy.
                                 
                                 

And here is a picture of me your Meme dressed in my going to town clothes . Your Nana and I used to dress up every year for Halloween. We would say that this was the only time of the year we could actually be our selves .  So , To you my little man I hope you are well and  that Magic finds you and keeps you safe .I look forward to the day when we will once again be reunited  

Love Always Meme

My darling boy ,

Hello my dearest boy , 

     Another  school year is here for you . I am not sure what grade you are in now  I am ashamed to say .  The 1st or 2nd .I guess that comes with not knowing where you are  being forced to be absent in ones life .But , I have always had an issue with memories . Short term that is . Well , I choose not to remember  much , much , much of my youth for it was how can I say this with out sounding crass ? Hmm it , Sucked ! Pretty much . I only hope your childhood is better .  Alas , I am still at times trying to get over it  . But enough about me for now  .Oh , how I miss you  little man . The days have turned into weeks ,the weeks have turned into months and the months have turned into years and time continues to pass, I can only hope that I will get to know you before I am too old to play  . It is now going on 4 years since we have seen your smiling face in our home  .Playing with the animals . I don't have anyone to watch cartoons with ( Yes, I still watch cartoons ) and to this day I can not watch "Up" to save my  life , because that was your favorite .  We have your little red tricycle it is hanging in the building  . I think you got to play with it a few days before you were taking away from us . Before your other Grandma came and took you crying from my arms . I still have night mares about that . Your Father could not even come and get you his self he sent his mother and his sister to take you from me . And he hides you from us , like we are villains , not letting us be a part of your life . Little does he know (unless I die first )which I hope to live a long vibrant life  . I will see you again . I know in my heart of hearts I will see you again .  My Goddess will make sure of that little one.  
Although you  are getting bigger with every passing day and learning more . I only hope you are happy and you are being loved enough . We are here for you Damian and we love you dearly that will never change .  Peace go with you my little angel .Sweet Dreams , Happy Dream , Pleasant Dreams We Love you  dearly , Good night . 

                                                      Sweet dreams little man

                                                                               

 

The day before Easter 2015

 Hey Buddy ,
                   
                 I hope this letter finds you well . I miss you , more than you could ever know .I have not seen any new pictures on the internet lately ,but I am sure your are getting bigger as everyday goes by . Let me see you should be in the first or second grade now . I did find a picture of you at school eating lunch you didn't look too happy ,but sometimes new things are scary and school will did that to a little person . I hate this time of year when it is about the children . You know Easter bunnies and baskets filled with goodies . I missed a lot of that when it came to your mom , you know with us being kept apart . but I could see her and your aunt Brittany every chance I could . 

         

I know I wrote along time ago that I would write to you every day ,and I am sorry I can't . You see Buddy , it is just too hard . It is taking everything I have every time I sit down to type to you . I start to cry and my heart breaks all over again . I remember what it was like for me to be kept away from your mom and aunt when they were little girls ,due to others thinking it was the best for them because I would rather build houses and work hard for little money. Instead of being a file clerk or  Secretary for an Insurance company . You see your great grandparents were old time people were women did lady like jobs and men were the breadwinners of the families . It was a different time than . I was a headstrong ,  independent young woman much like your mom . Our pride and honor stands in our way to a lot  of times , and she ,like me ,won't have someone try to make us do something that we know is wrong . And people will lie to you about us because their pride is hurt and they egos wont let them see that they are wrong for what they are doing to us by keeping us all part . 

But, that is a different story altogether. I am here for you and I hope to live long enough to see you again someday . But , until than ... I hope the Easter Bunny leaves you a big basket full of lots and lots of goodies for Easter . 

                              Always  Meme