Shocked ....

Hey there little man ,
         I hope you are doing well . I just have to write to you even though I know you can't read yet ,but you will be able to one day and hopefully you will find this . Your dad sent me a message . so here it is .

I'm not trying to get into a big argument or back in forth bickering. Do you know how I can get in contact with Brandi? I have some legal matters we need to get figured out. I've messaged her on here and haven't gotten anything back. .

       It took a few days before it actually hit me that it was a recent message from him and not the old ones where he told me I could not see you anymore , but none the less he reached out to me to find your mom . I did all I could . I called all the numbers I had and I sent messages to who I thought may be able to reach her that's all I could do .I mean , about that . I believe I might of made her upset with me . You see I wrote her a letter about how I felt and what I went through when she and your aunt B were small and how I did all I could do to do  the right thing for them when they were little like you are now .  I think she may of taken it the wrong way. You see I know how it feels to not have your children with you . When others continuously try to keep them away from you .  I had to fight to be in their life because others felt like I was not good enough to be their mom . I knew one day they would be with me  ,but that distance that was created by those other people created such a huge distance between me and them . I feel that distance deep in my heart for them then and you  now . All these feelings of hurt and and all that anger just keeps bubbling up inside me . It haunts me .I know I will never be able to get that back ,all of those precious moments from where they were so young all of those things I was forced to miss.  I know it wont do anyone any good to stay hurt and sad and angry .I know that .  I know I need to accept that you are gone from my life , but it is so hard thinking I may never get to see you or hold you again . Knowing that you are out there somewhere .  And I can't help but be sad . Even in the best case scenario if your mom and dad could fix whats broken and I do finally get to be in your life again . (I would be the Meme ever ! ) I feel I would still be sad because so much time has passed and you don't even know who I am anymore . I would just be some old woman to you . You would not  be able to remember riding on papa Johns tractor ,or riding your tricycle in the yard ,or playing in the huge pile of leaves in the fall . All the games we would play together when you knew who we were . That makes me sad . I love you much . I just thought you should know . 

I don't really know how to react to it but I took a deep breath and replied ...    

    I don't know Joe . And so you know I would not get into a argument with you .You are the father to me grandson whom I love dearly but can not see. I am tired hurting from all of this . I hope that one day we can move on from this and we can be a family again .I love you too Joe because you are the father of my grandson . I sent her a copy of your message on messenger that's all I can do . I hope you are both well . Peace

Hey Bud ,

    Hey Bud ,
            I hope you are well . This Spring I find I am just a bit more sad than usual . You see it seems as if all of my neighbors now have grandchildren and families coming over and they play in the street riding their bikes and scooters and bonce their balls . I hear them laugh and squeal because they are so happy . My heart breaks because I can't have that with you . When you were small you were here and now you are not .So many years have passed and will continue to do so . You probably don't even remember us any more . I know no one talks to you about us and if they do I am sure it is not in a positive manner and I am sorry for that . We did nothing wrong ,but yet we are being punished . Having such a gift like you in our lives and ..... your gone and no one knows where you are . And when I ask they refuse to say . Its..... "Joe wont have it "! Like what did I do to him ? Other than bring him into my trust and man did he hurt me . He hurt everyone around me . He continues to do it even today . I have done nothing but reach out to him and his family and they shut me down at every turn . I have no hard feelings except I have an empty place were you use to be . I have my memories and no one can take them away from me like he did you . I am sad from missing you . I will not stop writing to you . I just can't do it as often as I would like because I get so sad . I wonder about you everyday . I wonder if you are happy . I wonder if you know who your mommy is . I have a friend who has a grandson your age and I wonder if you are as tall as he is .  I wonder how you are doing in school , if you have lots of friends . Do you laugh like you used to ? Of course you don't because you are a big boy now .Your 8 going on 9 this December . The last time I seen you ,you were so small and you were crying because you didn't want to leave . I didn't want you to have to go , but it was not up to me.  I love you Damian . Always and always .
                                                          Your Meme Billie Jo 

Little Man

                                                                     

                                                                             

     

Hey little man ,
 
   Your mom called me yesterday and she was so upset. Apparently she has been working while staying with some friends and was waiting on her tax return so she could move out and your father has done something to involve child support , while that is all fine and good with the exception that no one will tell her or me where you are . (the good thing about that is now she can find out information on him and you  ) As a grandparent in this state  I have no legal rights to information on you through the system . I am sure she does not mind paying child support it is the fact they she still does not know where you are or have the ability to see you because of your dad Joe and your Grandma R continue hiding you away from her . Which is rather juvenile . Every time your mom comes to visit me we look for you and like vapor they vanish yet again in thin air .I hope they  are taking care of you .Giving you all that you need and want . I know your grandmother was working at the Dollar General in Asheboro and your Aunt K was working at the Waffle house in Randleman I don't know if they still do .I can not go into those places because of the hostility they give me when I did go in those places . I find them by sheer luck but neither would give me information to your father . I asked your grandma when I would be able to see you and all she said was " Joe will not have it !'' Like seriously what did I do to him ? He lived in my homes and I did all I could for him and your mom while they were still together , and I am the bad person here ? I don't think so . Fear has your dad hiding you from us , I think it is because he knows that he will  have to co-parent with your mom . She has rights but without knowing where you are , how can she get those rights ? It is going on 6 years now since any of us have seen you or known where you are or the people that I hope are taking care of you . Giving you all the love and happiness you deserve .They hide you away from us like you are a piece of property  . A pawn in some sort of sick game in which he gets to make the rules up as he goes along . In the meantime he is hurting your mother and you in the process . I hope without the knowledge of the pain he is causing to my daughter and inadvertently you as well . I mean to say if he is causing her pain on purpose he is more twisted than I though .You should not be keep away from your mom ( or us )she continues searching for you and she gets knocked down time after time after time but she still searches for you . She like many of us as humans has made mistakes , some questionable choices . ( Only questionable to others not to her , she has been hurt by your father and he continues to hurt her even now by keeping you hidden away from her )Your dad plays his games dirty with her  he does not fight fair . He should not be keeping you away from her like he is and has. She is not the bad person here he is . Parents together or apart should get along for the child's sake (I believe any way )  Your father loved her once as she loved him and he continues to wreck her and my heart breaks for that pain he is continuously causing her .It seems like any moment of happiness she has a chance to grab , somehow your father manages alone or with the help of others to try to that happiness . His ego is crushed because she was trying to find her own for the two of you and when she got her life together she brought you to him for a visit and he disappears with you without a trace  . My daughter is left heartbroken and stressed at her wit's end in loss of not knowing where you are or bringing able to see you , to hold you in her arms . That is a pain no parent should have to go through . That is a pain no person should have to go through . It breaks my heart to know that her heart breaks from the absence of you in her life . It is not right that she is being hurt over and over by your dad .He should try to repair the damage he is doing to her for the love of you in his heart .If for no other reason then to create a wholeness in you . To make you a happy with having your mom in your life . So has been through enough pain . She needs you . You are her life , and she is broken with out her little boy . I just dont understand how your daddy can not see that . Time has pasted and it is time to forgive and find away to move forward together .

                      I could not sleep and had to write to you . We love you so much Damian
                      we miss you deeply and I know one day you will be reunited with us.
                       
                                       May the light of day bring new perspective ......

                                                                                    Love you Always and Forever ,
                                                                                                Your Meme ,
                                                                                                           Billie Jo

Breakfast surprise..

 My dearest boy , 


           Your paw paw John and I woke up early this morning and we decided to go eat breakfast , the place we usually go to changed it hours so we decided to go to the  a waffle place instead . We pull into the parking lot and I look through the window and I see your Aunt Kay Kay . And a smile comes across my face , but as soon as we walk through the door she turns and starts shaking her head NO, NO, NO, as she walks back into the the cubby I hear her stating " I not waiting on her . I am not waiting on her . She is my brothers mother in law ." I smile and another waitress comes out and takes our order . I don't know why I have this effect on your fathers side of the family . I have done no wrong to them . but , however they tend to flee from me . We ate our breakfast and I noticed she was working the register and she could not avoid me there . I smile. When it is my turn I step up and say " Good morning Kay Kay . " she then replies " Mmm" . So I repeat myself . " Good morning Kay Kay''she repeats her " Mmm" . I then reply with a " Now your not going to be rude are you ?''
she say " What?'' I repeat " Now your not going to be rude are you . I said Good morning Kay Kay."
She says"I heard my name so I said Mmm." I then ask her how she was . She tells me "fine" I say well that is nice ". I then ask her how YOU are and she replies with a  "good'' . I say " that is good ". I then tell her to have a pleasant day , turn and walk away . the whole time I am going through this back and forth with her she has a waitress standing by her . which was great for me because if we ever have to go to court I have a witness to the event that took place . 

 While we are sitting in the restaurant I text your mom and tell her where I am and who works there . I keep her informed on such thing because every time she come to look for you they all disappear .

Your mother reply to the via text " So they def all moved back to town . After I looked everywhere !!!"

I don't know why they are keeping you from her that is what I hate about this whole thing . Every time she comes to look for you or reaches out to find you, she is told lies and they vanish into thin air .I don't understand why if they love you would they want to keep you from your mother . That is no kind of love using a life to hurt a life . You are innocent in this and  yet you are using you to hurt her . I only hope that they treat you better than they do us .  We love you Damian and one day you will know the truth . I only hope this matter is repaired while you are still young enough to get over it . The longer it goes on the more it will hurt . I know from experience , as does your mother .  I was kept from her as she is being kept from you . We Love you D ,


                                                     Always your Meme.

Always on my mind

 Hey little man ,

    Well , perhaps not so little . I mean you are still a little boy no in this point and time but, who know when and if you ever find and read these you may be grown up by then . I miss you . We miss you and every time I drive by the Dollar General where your grandmother Regina works it feels like you were taken away from us all over again . She said " Joe wont have it !." He wont let me see you . I know you are close and they wont let us see you . I mean what harm is going to befall you if you are around us ? They took you crying from me and that was one of the worse things that has happened to me in my life ,and let me tell you it has been no picnic . I could not possibly imagine what they tell you about your mother or us . I do know that it is more then likely it is all a bunch of trash . Fear makes people act in strange ways .
I am here for you Damian . We all are whether they want us too be or not .
I put the pictures up of us so you know who we are .And if we should not see each other again you will always know that we love you even if we can not be with you . You are a ghost that haunts our minds . Our memories of you laughing as we watched " Up" a hundred times and played tickles . We have your pictures on our  refrigerator , your toys are in the toy room and I keep your rubber duckies right where they were used last in the bathroom beside on the tub and it has been almost 5 years now since you were here last . My dream is one day I will wake up from this nightmare and we will be together again . One big happy family . Us , them and most importantly you . We wish you all the best things in life ,and I hope you are healthy and happy and hope you never feel lonely because we are here even if you can not see us .

You are always on our minds,

Forever and Always ,

Love  Meme 

( Billie Jo )

Your other Grandmother ,

                                                                                                           Saturday , March 19, 2016

                                                                                 

This is the last time I stayed with us
before they came and took you away .
WE Love you little man !!!!

 I was going to see one of  my best friends Julie.  On the way I decided to check out the  new Family Dollar in the neighborhood just to waste some time ,because I didn't need to be  at Julie's house until noon . So , I go in to the store and walk up and down each isle to see what kind of things they have in this new store . I find some really cute little mushrooms and  I thought they would look great in my potted plants and as I walk up to the the counter to pay I noticed the cashier. Well , all I really seen in that point in time was the right side of her head and as the customer in front of me stepped away , I seen her face . It was your Grandmother Regina ! The last time I seen you she and your Aunt KayKay had came to my house to pick you up  . I thought that was strange because your Daddy was the one that was suppose to come to pick you up . You were happy to see them at first but that soon changed when you realized you were going to go with them , you started to cry and you didn't stop . You did not want go to her and I had to put you in the car the whole time you were crying and my heart was breaking , ( If I would of known that we would not be able to be a part of your life I would not of let you go ) but , your mommy had brought you back so you could spend time with your daddy before he was suppose to start  his training in the National Guard ( If that is even true I do not know ?) . Regina said that you would be back to visit . But, little did I know that was going to be the last time I would Hold you in my arms . The  days that past into weeks and then months and now years have gone by and I am haunted by a grandson that I can not see .
 
   I like to think of myself as a strong person but it has truly gotten so hard to not be sad , and angry  since I seen Regina again . We ( your mom and I have tried to locate them and you for 5 years now ) and I walked into a store and there she was  the woman who took you from me . But to the story . I walked up to the counter and as she looked at me all the color in her face washed from flesh and she was pale as a ghost . I smile and I said "Well, Hello Regina .'' and all she could reply was '' Oh , My."and looked down at the counter and from that moment on she didn't look up again .I than with a smile forced upon my face said " I would like to see my grandson ." while still looking down she says "Joe ! Will not have it !" I than said " Well, I do not know why ?" she put my mushrooms in a bag handed me my change (while mind you still not looking up ) I took my receipt and started to crumbled it and than I said " Have a nice day ." and continued to walked away .

When I got to the car I immediately called your mom and told her about the encounter I just had . Your mom was so excited to the fact that I had found your other Grandmother and in return some how I found a link back to you .    I truly do not know what to do Baby boy . I have no legal rights to see you . It is between you Daddy and Your Mommy and until they get this taking care of my heart will continue to break . I struggle with the thought that you too are going to be hurt by all of this because they can not act like grown ups and do what is right by you .  Your daddy keeping you away from those of us who love you and want to teach you about your those in our family that has pasted on before you arrived or shortly there after , like your Great NaNa who pasted from Cancer the year you were born . She was strong and had gone through her own difficulties in her life  and I believe if she was still alive today this would not be happening  . Or , your great great Grandpop  who was a writer and a poet that also pasted from Cancer . He was so proud when he got hold you in his arms . These things are going to cause anger and resentment towards those who have kept you apart from those of us who are also your family .

 I don't know what to to . You are the last thing I think about at night when I sleep and you are the first thing I think of when ever I open my eyes . It is a viscous cycle , that I wish I could stop  , but I can not because I miss you so much . I can not even write to you everyday like I said I would because  I get so sad .  I try to be strong but this hurt is a true hurt . I went through this pain before with your Mom and Aunt with their other Grandmother your Great grandma Gene . She kept them from me just as they are keeping you from us . Remember Dear boy there are more sides to every story His - Hers- Mine - Theirs and the Truth . My truth is here in these letters to you . They are my feelings experiences and no one else's .  I hope , No . I wait for the day to spend with  you again .


                                                                                Love Always Your
                                                                                                       Meme,
                                                                 

                 

Love Always and Forever
Meme

Damian ?

  I was in the Randleman Dollar tree yesterday buying some things for this and that just as happy as I could be and I noticed these people that came in . There was a young lady with brown hair in a pony tail  in sweat pants kind of scruffy looking and then I noticed an old man with with white hair  he had to be in his 60s or even 70s and then I noticed a little boy . He had Brown hair and was wearing a gray sweat shirt like jacket . Hmm.... strange what one remembers . Any way I was looking shopping for what I was shopping for and we would all pass each other from isle to isle  . I remember the little boy every time I looked at him I would wonder( Would  Damian be that tall now) the little boy  looked so sad , like he didn't even want to be there or like he couldn't have what he wanted . Than I heard it "Damian put that down."" No, Damian ." I walked around the isle looking Damian . I had to act like I wasn't wondering if that was my Grandson . I looked closer to the people that the little boy was with . I didn't know who were . They didn't look familiar to me . Surely that wasn't my Damian .!? My Damian had blonde hair when I seen him years ago . But, hair color changes , I had so many thing going through my mind in that split second that I was trying to remember every little thing I could about you when I seen you last . Could you of changed? Was that you ? Or was that just a sad little boy named Damian ?  I felt confused and lost because here I was standing in the Dollar tree in my town and there was a little named Damian , and I couldn't tell if it was you or not . And here I am still haunted by the fact that I wont know if it was . Now , I can drive myself mad wondering was it or wasn't it . Or , I can just say that he was just a sad little boy that shares the same name as my Grandson . 

                                            I love you  Damian  where ever you are  ,
                                                                                            Always , Meme 

                                                                                            BillieJo Craig